Two years after my painful breakup, I felt that this chapter was closed. There was no longer any contact, no mutual acquaintance, no chance meeting in our city. At one point I was almost certain that I had met my ex with another man in a pub. I just looked at the long dark hair, the silhouette seemed so familiar to me that I suddenly stopped. I wondered what to do for thirty seconds, but then the unknown woman turned around. I also cannot say whether I felt relief or rather disappointment. My reaction worried me a little. I realized that I was trying to use force to suppress my feelings for her.
The Ghost Of A Past Relationship Haunts Me
Neither can I rationally explain what I still feel deep inside myself. I wouldn't call it love because it dies at some point when the object of desire is no longer present. What still lives in my fantasy is a kind of ghost, a mirage that I cannot control.
My dreams now and then tell me strange stories with the protagonists of my previous relationships. I believe these people do not want to be forgotten and they continue to accompany me on my way. Maybe I find it hard to let go, even if I keep fighting against it. You can look ahead in everyday life and still fall into paralyzing melancholy in certain situations. In itself, I don't find it bad as long as new partners don't suffer from it.
Problem of Comparing With Past Relationships
Months have passed and I allowed new encounters. Most of the time, I realized that I kept starting to compare attractiveness, face, figure, intelligence, or sex. This made it difficult to forget and made every new beginning impossible. Nevertheless, it seemed important to me to have exciting experiences if possible in order to free myself from my lethargy.
Thanks to online dating, I finally met another woman with whom I could also talk about my complicated past. She took a certain risk and did not try to run away. I felt confident and told her a lot about my difficult childhood, about the breaks and my hurt soul. Unconsciously, I wanted to warn her not to fall in love with me too much. Even when I longed to allow feelings into my life, a vague fear remained my constant companion.
Is A Mingle Relationship Model Enough For Me?
Did I mutate into a mingle without knowing it? For me, the main thing is that we deal with each other openly and honestly. What sounds so banal has always caused difficulties in my life. It takes time before I am ready to express my wishes and accept those of my partner. Erotic played a big role in the current relationship and everyone could really let themselves go. Feeling this longing every time welded us together as a couple. Sure, that's not enough to build a long-term relationship, but who knows what will be tomorrow? Everyone expresses their feelings in a different way. The body tells its own story and rarely lies.
I know from my own experience that being in love doesn't last forever. One day this bubble bursts and often only fragments remain. I do not find it morally reprehensible to go a different way sometimes. To stay together as a couple without thinking about the future. It's easy for me to be sexually faithful when both of them can act out their fantasies. Looking at it soberly, we know that the longing for the other's body will diminish over time.
I've Learned To Manage My Life On My Own
Unfortunately, this situation sounds familiar to me and I've been dealing with the subject for years. An ex once told me that one day the curiosity about someone else's skin will grow stronger than the familiarity with the partner. Shortly afterwards she left me and the next one was waiting for her. It all sounds a bit disillusioned, even if I haven't given up my belief in great love. I know what this state of emergency feels like. I recently found old love letters and photos in my basement that I have been keeping for over twenty years.
I finally wanted to clean up, but I couldn't part with memories of previous relationships. I tried to google the name of a lover I hadn't had contact with in ages. Fortunately there was no hit because I knew I was acting completely idiot. On the other hand, I wonder now and then what has become of this woman. Has she forgotten me and is she happily living with a new guy? You could imagine a happy ending in a French film, but the script in the real world is sure to look very different.
Magic In A New Relationship As An Integral Part
Over time, I've learned to manage my life on my own. If it were no longer there, I would certainly miss the togetherness. For me personally, the addiction to the release of dopamine, endorphins and oxytocin plays an essential role in the choice of a partner. I used to believe only in a romantic idea of love. Today I accept that hormones partly control my emotions. But I still need the magic of the first kiss and first date to exist as a happy person. In the present. Not in the past.